You Too Can Be Awesome

Sometimes a thought will pop into my head and I'll think to myself, "Self, you better google that shit." Today, after being inspired by a very awesome person, I felt compelled to google, "How to be awesome". Now, you may think to yourself, "Self, awesomeness is subjective. This woman is ridiculous." False. I'm of sound mind (mostly) and the rest of the people out there claiming to have the secrets to awesomeness are just wrong. However, I did find a FEW things that I agreed with and I will intermingle these tips accordingly. Overall, I've decided to make a very comprehensive list of tips. Are you ready to take notes? Good. Let's do this.

Step 1. Do not be boring.

This is a very important step to being awesome and one often overlooked. There are A LOT of boring people in this world. Don't be one of them. Find things to talk about. Interesting things. Giggle at the right times. Tell jokes. Wear funny shirts. Do silly things with your hair. Read books and learn big words. Don't just sit there breathing air. Contribute.
Step 2. You are NOT cool.

Now, granted this is more of a statement than an instruction, but let me assure you that you. are. not. cool. You're only cool when you don't know you're cool...or at least you don't pretend to be cool. It's called self-deprecation, friends. Have a slice of humble pie, will you? Talk to your adoring fans...you know....the little people. They're important. If people don't like you, you can't be awesome!

Step 3. Learn big words.

Learn things. Like words and proper grammar. Your adoring fans will thank you. ALOT is not a word.

Step 4. Kiss people.

People like being touched. It makes them feel important, secure and loved. I've made an executive decision in my life to kiss people. If I have kissed you, it means that I think you're really fucking awesome. If I haven't, well...it means I don't know you like that and I'm afraid you might slap me. Try it. If people seem opposed to you kissing them, try kicking them instead...

Step 5. Compliment people.

I have a very dear friend who calls everyone "pretty". Even if they're not. And I think that's magnificent. Once I called her out on it and she told me that she does indeed call everyone "pretty"...because they are. In their own way. Cliche, but true. For example, I call everyone "baby"...because everyone used to be a baby. Not the same? Whatever.
Step 6. Don't be a dick head.

Pretty self explanatory. Don't be a douche or a bitch or a dick. Ever. Always be nice. ALWAYS.
Step 7. Be open-minded.

Clearly these are not in any type of order, because this is perhaps the most important step to being awesome. No one is going to be exactly like you. Different strokes for different folks, Willis. Unless someone is hurting you or someone you love, leave them alone. Live and let live. Don't be a bigot-y asshat. Asshats don't look good on anyone...except asses.

Step 8. Ride mechanical blue ponies and wear a "Captain Awesome" shirt and do not be afraid what the fuck anyone else thinks about it.

Comeback #2 and Butt Wiping

Hello adoring fans (or people who have had to the misfortune to stumble into my world)! Are you ready for more adventures?! No? Tough shit. Ice is back with a brand new edition! For those of you that enjoy reading about my mishaps and the mundanity of my life, I promise to try to think about maybe blogging on a regular basis. However, I'm about 97% sure I'm operating on a serious case of undiagnosed ADD....................................................................WANNA GO RIDE BIKES?!?!?!

Sorry, where were we? Oh yes, blogging. Did I mention I'm going to start blogging again?

Hold on, I have to go wipe my kid's butt.

Ok, I'm back!

Butt wiping offers a nice segue. When I was a kid/teenager, I LOVED kids. I loved to play with them, hold them, pretend other people's children were my own (but not in a "Hand That Rocks the Cradle" kinda way). LOVED kids. I couldn't WAIT to have children of my own. Until I had children of my own...

Hold on, I'm refereeing an argument over a donut.

Ok, I'm back!

Please don't take this to mean that I DON'T love my children. Despite the fact that I gave birth to them minus pain meds and they destroyed my once precious vagina...I love them. And thank god they're cute, else I'd be eating them with my morning coffee right now.

When I was that glossy-eyed kid that loved children, I didn't realize that giving birth to these minions meant that you would be thrown-up on, pooped on, peed on, bled on, snotted on, screamed at, smarted off too, defied...and forced to ass wipe. Sometimes I feel like I'm being tortured out of a confession. I DIDN'T DO IT!

A lot of times, I think life would be a whole lot easier if I just developed an affinity for prescription painkillers or took up drinking heavily. But nooooooooooooooo, somebody has to have a clear head or else they'll end up wiping a mouth off with the same wipe used to wipe the baby's butt.

It's a thankless job. Well, until you get that sweet little hug and a "Mommy, I love you!" or "You're the best Mommy ever!" (little liar!) And it's totally worth it. Sometimes.