Teaching Lessons To Old People

There is nothing better than a feisty geriatric. My grandmother is 97 years old and still cruising around at 80 year old speed. But what's better is that after nearly 100 years, she's earned the right to say and do pretty much anything she pleases. She could skewer a baby and microwave it and everyone would say "Awww, look at her push the buttons with her little old fingers!" And don't think for a second you can get away with gaining weight around this woman or you'll hear, "You're getting a big butt." and because she's older than dirt, it's perfectly acceptable for her to say that. I mean, what are you going to do? Turn around and look at this adorable little old woman and tell her to "Shut the fuck up before I slap the wrinkles off your face, woman!"? No, you smile and you say, "I know, Mammaw. I've been eating a lot of donuts lately. I'll try harder. Love you!"

Sometimes I just want to be old. Really super old. Not like 70. Seventy is the new 60. Nobody cares if you're 70. You can't get away with shit when you're 70 unless you're on your deathbed and with the life expectancy constantly lengthening that isn't likely. Why, you ask, would I want to step forward in time 70 years? Because I want to get away with shit. I want to say what I want to say without eyerolls or judgement. I want to get hugs for screaming profanities, insulting people and violating social mores!

Speaking of being seventy years old and violating social mores, I'd like to share my "What the fuck?!" moment I experienced yesterday. Allow me to set the scene:

So, I'm on my way to Cincinnati to audition for a commercial I'm likely to get called back for but never hired for...when I get hungry. Since McDonald's is so vegetarian friendly (FALSE), I decide to stop there. I pull up to the speaker and begin to order my balanced meal of a medium fry, a fruit and walnut salad and a medium Diet Coke when I notice that the car in front of me has stopped short of the pay window and the driver (a SEVENTY YEAR OLD WOMAN) has exited her vehicle and is slowly approaching my car. Oddly enough, I become frightened. What is she doing?! Is she going to shoot me?! Mug me?! Scold me for not eating enough protein?! AAAAH! The closer she gets, the more nervous I get. She might be dangerous! As I'm ordering my food, I'm cautiously watching her every move out of the corner of my eye, until she gets right.up.to. my rearview mirror and stops, apparently waiting for me to finish ordering. As soon as I'm done with my order, she leans into the speaker and says, "EXCUSE ME! I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU MY ORDER! I NEED A VANILLA MILKSHAKE!" By now, I'm sure the poor girl taking my order is completely confused because clearly this is not the voice that just ordered the medium fry, fruit and walnut salad and medium Diet Coke. Not only that, but this crazy not-old-enough-to-get-away-with-doing-shit-like-this woman is impeding my progress to procede in line by standing directly in front of my rearview mirror! By this point, I am too flabbergasted by this series of events, I can't even summon the courage to say, "excuse me, ma'am" or "get the fuck out of the way", so I drive slowly past her MOVING her with my rearview mirror. Nothing stands between me and food. Not even old ladies. Let this serve as a PSA: I don't care how old you are, if you get in my way in the McDonald's drive-thru, I will run your ass over.

Now, I'd just like to offer the disclaimer that if this woman had been, say, 107 years old, I would have given her a piggy back ride back to her car and fed her her vanilla milkshake because she would have been on this Earth long enough to earn such luxuries. However, because restaurant drive-thrus have been around for the greater part of the life of a seventy-year-old...this behavior is just unacceptable. It's not cute, it's annoying and I will not tolerate it.