Karma Is A Dirty Whore

I believe in karma much like a ten year old boy believes in Santa Claus. You know it's not really real, but you're going to keep on pretending that it is because it's fun and you get presents. Only, in the karma sense, your presents can be pretty shitty sometimes. Yesterday I was vomited upon by karma. Apparently, somewhere along the way, I unknowingly tripped an old woman and then kicked her on her way down or messed up The Dalai Llama's chi or something, because boy did I ever get it...

The highlight of my day was when, at 9pm, I arrived home to find that I'd locked myself out of my house. I've locked myself out of lots of things, but an entire house is not one of them. So, naturally, I called my husband (who is in Atlanta) for help. Instead of immediately hopping on a plane to come unlock our front door, he instead sends me to the neighbor's house for a phone book and maybe some handy tips on breaking and entering. Unfortunately for me, this couple are nice upstanding members of society not adept at burglary, but they did have a phone book. So I call the first number under "Locksmith". They're fast and efficient, assigning me a "technician" almost immediately. The guy says he'll be to rescue me in 25 minutes. Twenty-five minutes come and go. It's now past 9:30 and I'm hanging out in my driveway with a hungry, sleepy, spastic two-year-old that insists on pushing every single button on the dashboard of my car, so I call the guy. Mr. Guy barely speaks English and promises me he'll be to rescue me in 7 minutes. Seven minutes come and go. Mr. Guy calls. He's lost. After a few interesting rounds of "spell the name of your intersecting streets" and with the help of his GPS device, he finds me. Yay!

Now, when I think of the word "locksmith", I envision a man melting metal and pounding out fancy skeleton keys with mallets and such. I figured he would have some handy-dandy metal contraption that he would insert into my door knob and effortlessly unlock my door, charging me $15. When he inserted what looked like a blood pressure cuff into the door jamb and charged me $160, I was subsequently jarred from my little medieval fantasy world. Did you say $160? Because I was going to suggest that I pay that much. Thank you, sir...my ass still hurts.

Hopefully, I'm free and clear with Karma Claus, at least for a while. I'm going to go save some orphans for good measure...